I got my first “real” job recently. I’d worked before, but it seems bookkeeping for your cult leader isn’t the kind of role that sells a resume. Luckily, Family, Inc., took a chance on me and hired me.
On day one I woke early, eager to meet my new coworkers. They were everything I’d hoped — friendly, welcoming, and kind.
Mr. Lilly, my new boss, invited me into his office, sat down next to me instead of across the desk, held my hand, and smiled a toothy grin.
“We’re a family here,” he said kindly. “You’ll be one of us from now on. We’ve got you.”
I was touched.
When I reached my desk, a woman sitting nearby welcomed me with homebaked oatmeal cookies and a friendly hug.
“You’ll love it here! Everyone’s family.” She paused, then added, “So you know, we all wear blue on Fridays.”
I made a note of it and thanked her. I wanted to fit in. These people were so lovely, I definitely wanted them to like me.
At lunchtime, I looked for an empty seat among the long tables in the cafeteria. One nice fellow saw me standing with my lunch and gestured me over.
“Join us! You can’t eat lunch alone,” he said, placing a gentle hand on my arm to guide me into a seat.
Around the full table, everyone smiled and greeted me warmly, touching my hand or shoulder.
“Thank you all so much,” I said, a little overwhelmed.
As the end of the first day approached, three different coworkers invited me to happy hour.
“We do it every Monday. To start the week off right.”
It sounded like a great way to get to know my new colleagues, so I joined them at a small karaoke bar. They signed me up to perform before I could protest.
“You don’t have to sing... but everyone who really becomes part of the family does,” Frankie said. “We can do a duet!”
Frankie was a terrible singer. Maybe worse than me, and that’s saying something. But I had fun, collapsing into giggles partway through.
The rest of the week continued the same way. Warmth, kindness, friendliness, and acceptance seemed to be company-wide phenomena. I was so grateful to have joined the team.
I spent the weekend recovering a bit from my first official week. I hadn’t been so socially active since I left the cult — there’d been activities every day after work, shared lunches, and constant support.
The next Monday, Mr. Lilly called me into his office to see how I was adapting. He’d checked in at my desk every day, but this seemed more formal.
He was pleased to hear I was enjoying the team. Then his expression fell. “I’m afraid I need to call out one issue.”
I tensed, worried he knew I’d messed up the acquisitions spreadsheet I’d updated. I’d fixed it, but I was concerned I’d missed something.
“You didn’t join our weekend activities,” he said somberly. “We’re family here. It’s our core value. Families must spend time together to grow.”
I blinked. That statement felt… disturbingly familiar. But I wanted to fit in here. They were all so kind.
That was three months ago. I’m proud to say I’m now a fully contributing member of Family, Inc.
And I finally understand what it truly means to belong.
‼️ If you liked this, check out some of my other satirical short stories.
🐒 Did this story make you roll your eyes, cough, or raise a brow? If it did, buy me a cup of existential dread and maybe I’ll write a little more.
Oi, my core family value is RESPECT ALONE TIME! 🤣😂🤣